Priest Simulator: Vampire Show

Priest Simulator: Vampire Show is a game that doesn’t even try to appeal to everyone, and that is precisely its greatest strength. It’s clumsy, loud, shameless, and often ridiculous in exactly the right way, but beneath all the chaos it has enough personality to make itself memorable. If you enjoy eccentric, ironic, and slightly unhinged games, you’ll find a small metal-demonic cult here; if instead you’re looking for a polished, refined, and deep action game, you’d better look elsewhere, here you’ll only find exorcisms gone horribly wrong.

Like a long Family Guy skit or an Asylum movie, it’s not even the quality of the humor itself – it’s the sheer audacity of coming up with this stuff and committing to it in a finished product. Priest Simulator: Vampire Show is not a balanced, polished or ambitious videogame, but the sheer absurdity of the humor and player freedom make it a fun experience – even though the actual gameplay is pretty damn janky and repetitive.

Priest Simulator: Vampire Show is a mostly-enjoyable experience, but it does lose its charm later in the game. While it has a goofy premise with a unique mockumentary format, it could do with a little more polishing.

Priest Simulator: Vampire Show is unique because it doesn’t make sense. Throughout the story, I constantly questioned what was going on, what I was doing, and what I had gotten myself into, which made it fun.

The gameplay itself is okay and does its job at entertaining you with various weapons. I renovated the church rather quickly, which is a little disappointing, because I wish there was more to do with it besides confessionals. The exorcisms are fun unless attempting to beat Parson’s time, mainly because I’d get caught on the smallest thing. And my currently equipped gloves would keep switching out, making me lose time. I never fully understood the story, apart from Olok wanting his powers back and to get home to his Batoom. The story was just weird and a mess. Priest Simulator: Vampire Show primarily focuses on the dry humour, rather than making the gameplay better. Which is ultimately it’s downfall. Personally, I am just not a fan of this type of comedy. Maybe it is funnier in Polish, but not so much in English. Now, I’m giving Priest Simulator the Thumb Culture Silver Award simply for the fact that the game runs fine, and the gameplay is somewhat decent.

Personally, I can’t recommend Priest Simulator highly enough. It caught my attention with its original, if unconventional, concept. It’s definitely a wild ride that shouldn’t be missing from your game library. The game teaches you how to become the best vampire Christian priest, and it’s packed with dark humor and an incredible soundtrack. And remember, as one good book says: “The only good Satanist is a dead Satanist.” Now just put on your gloves and let’s get to it.